lots of stuff to say. no words to express them though. info tech is not all its hyped up to be. i mean, lately ive got this feeling that msn messenger, blogs, email, heck even handphones are an utter waste of time. i really dont know why. and i cant shake this feeling u know. its kind of amazing considering how dependant i was on my hp and on msn for the 1st 6 months. maybe it has to do with my complete lack of ability to have continued relationships with most people.

oh what the heck am i crapping abt?? there's no link between the 2. sometimes i just think that im just a big old ball of absolute CRAP. (ok nobody needs to agree with this and post an infuriating msg on my tagboard voicing their agreement)

oh there's something else i cant shake off. sometimes i get this WAY depressing feeling that im useless and untalented. that im of no use to anyone else as well as to myself. that im just. there. not doing anything useful. that even if i disappear from the face of this earth, nothing would change. life would still go on. trees would still grow. the sky will still be blue. the earth will still go around the sun. nothing would change. and then i feel so small and insignificant. like there's no use that i stay on this earth or associate with people or do anything with my life really. we're all just gonna die anyway; what's the use of complicating life and actually doing something with it.

i know that im rambling and that im talking utter utter nonsense, and this will seem totally insignificant compared to what most of you guys are experiencing right now (esp my fellow J-oners), but i just had to say what i said above. even though it might probably make no sense. ok it doesnt make sense at all. surprisingly it was quite difficult for me to come up with all that. took me like half an hour. *gasps*

there are a few possible reasons why im doing this:

1) ive just finally gone off my rocker. (this means that ive gone mad btw)

2) i need coffee because im suffering from sleep deprivation

3) i need to break my vow of abstinence from alcohol and just hit a shot right now (hit a shot = drink a whole bottle of whiskey)

4) im reading too many sci fi or fantasy books where there are alot of heroes who succeded in great great things even when the odds were highly against them and who achieved alot in life. and they got to be very famous and well-liked and had a very very happy and satisfying life. plus they get to be good at killing evil things, saving the world, rescuing evil damsels in distress and just generally being in the exactly right place at the exactly right time. (ok i just finished reading 2 terry brooks novels fyi)

5) im suffering from lack of studying. (i seriously doubt this)

6) im thinking too much about vaguely unimportant things as i have too much free time (because of reason no.5) - i doubt this one too

7) im trying to sound intellectual on my blog instead of my normal, un-intellectual self.

8) ive gone out with my mum for 3 days in a row. (1 day is enough to drive me mad fyi)

9) im just bored. and someone refuses to talk to me on msn messenger and i refuse to swallow my (bloody huge) ego and start the conversation. so im pathetically..ok im not gonna inform the general public abt the pathetic things i do when im online on msn. [I THINK THIS IS THE REASON!!!]

oh well. the vagaries of the human mind are distressingly, yet intriguingly complex.

ok apart from that nothing much. just getting ready for august i suppose. the only good thing abt me leaving in august is that my mum is going completely berserk and letting me buy many many things she's not even considered or brushed aside before. mwahaha. im getting new sneakers!! and not the 40 bucks ones that my mum used to get for me in the most godawful colours. *more mwahaha-ing*

ok now i have to go and eat my mum's -ack- bruschetta bread with tomatoes. i hate raw tomatoes. i hope the bread's not burnt. ive been majorly PIGGING out these holidays. too bad my mum threw out the weighing scale. =(