i just typed this massive post. REALLY MASSIVE. thanking everyone and pouring my heart out. literally. it was huge. spent an hour and a half. and guess what.

IT FUCKING GOT DELETED.

I AM MAJORLY PISSED.

I HATE BLOGSPOT.

EFF EFF EFF EFF !@&*^^$^%@%^*(&(&

I AM SUPER PISSED AND I NEED TO TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEONE.

MY DAD IS NOT HELPING.

so im going to shorten this.

to all my dear friends: so sorry you couldnt see the post. dont use blogspot whatever you do. i love you muchos *big hug and kiss*

to priya and nini: im sticking to email from now on when writing to you guys. i really spilt my heart out on this post and the com has to go and hang. WHAT THE FUCK.

i love you alot by the way. and priya say a huge thank you to sasi from me. and tell nini to read this. thanks =D

to my family: i love you *beamz* even though you wont read this. XD. i will call you every week. i miss you every second, of every day, of every week of every month.

to my dad: change your laptop. never trust indian internet connections. always type in microsoft word before blogging.

oh yeah my dad doesnt blog >.<

to everyone including myself: good luck in exams. do well. study hard. and never forget me [this is not to myself btw]. we shall go out when i get back. XD

THE END

p.s. BLOGSPOT SUCKS.

AAAAAAAAAAAH im shit scared. i wish it was like those fleeting moments of scared-ness or paranoia that will just leave you trembling in ure socks for like a while and then poof ure back to normal. but i cant stand this long drawn-out thing which is sadly getting worse by the day. ive never dreaded anything more in my life. never ever. i swear. not even my o level tamil paper. im being completely serious.

thankfully all this packing is completely driving my thoughts away from friday. i really like being busy right now. even though most of the time i'm a lazy pig. ok not a pig. that was just a non-literal reference. anw. its like bad enough knowing that you're not going to see all the people you normally wake up seeing everyday for like more than 4 months. its even worse when it all comes and hits you that you are not going to see hide or hair of them and that you're going to be living all alone for the first effing time in your life. and when you have an overprotective mother, which is good in some ways, it really scares you when you have to finally let go and be independent because the transition is much tougher than if you were independent by nature.

*sigh* i hate thinking about this. ok moving on..

meeting ohfiveasstwelve today =] im sure we're gonna have loads of fun!! cant wait *beamz muchos* and meeting chitra and sherin at school today too..managed to somehow persuade my mum. thank god my dad is at work today. he would have never said yes. >.<

ok that didnt work. im still thinking about what i'm trying to not think about.

oh shit. its the day after tomorrow.

shit shit shit shit shit. im gonna die.

oh eff. why cant life be as easy as my maths o level paper?

will this waiting ever end.

I read newsweek today - dont be shocked. I suspect its a product of a desperate individual seeking desperate respite from a desperate state of boredom.

I am such a desperado. Ok now i know how the word despo came about. minus the erado part. Gosh, the creativeness of Singaporeans. I really applaud the efforts of the founder of Singlish. Its a great language lah. =D

Ok anyway as i was saying, I read newsweek - there was an article about how african babies are dying everyday in Africa (duh. where else?) from starvation due to the Autumn famine, which was even worse this year because of the tsunamis. [This makes me wonder whether everything God does is for the better of mankind.]

So I was quite shocked at first that while we're lounging about here and the Singapore government is wasting catrillions of money on casinos and useless local tv shoes [except a few] people are dying in other parts of the world. They don't even have clothes or a home or food or sanitized water, let alone a television or enough money to even think of a casino. They probably don't even know what a casino is >.< color="#66ffff">That does not mean I pick my nose. That is just gross. And a warning to pickers of noses - if u pick too hard ure nose will bleed. I read this somewhere i think.

Ok anyway, once the shock had gone away and I had gone back to what I normally do - today it was re-reading Da Vinci Code - this occured to me: When millions are dying in Africa, why is my mum effing forcing me to eat so much?? It's almost as if she's trying to force me to eat a quantity of food equal to that which i would normally eat if i were staying here for the next few months til december! My belly is growing!! *mortified look* I'm trying to be out of the house as much as possible. I'm even volunteering to go to NTUC.

When I start doing that, its a sign of how desperate I am. I never go to NTUC when given the choice. Never.

Oh well. If she does this for lunch tmr I am going to yell. And pretend to call child welfare protection like the kid Russell Peters did. Good my mum hasn't watched that clip yet. Oh btw, I'm teaching my brother to say that line: Somebody gonna get-a hurt realll bad. He says it quite well you know. Especially when you take away his light saber or his hot wheels car. The silver one. Him and the silver hot wheels car are attached at the hip. First it was Barney. Poor Barney. He's so huggable.

I'm quite humongously depressed nowadays. Actually my mood changes. I'm like PMS-ing. I really am. Like this morning I woke up I was so pissed I yelled at everyone. My mum was quite tolerant til I yelled that there was no bread in the house and why hadnt she got the bread yet. Bad mistake. I dont see whats wrong with that anyway. Maybe it was the volume of my voice. And my continual references to my state of temporary 'starvation.' Anyway, we didn't talk until after lunch. I think we bonded over the tasteless-ness of the veggies at Lunch. Females...weird creatures.

Anyway so everything was kewl in the afternoon. Instant mood swing. Oh and I noticed some other stuff too. I cant sleep until about 1.5 hours after I lie down and hug my bolster. Dunno what I'm going to do without it. I swear I cannot sleep without it. I'll probably be more homesick for my bolster apart from anything else, except family maybe. And friends. And my mum's cooking. *sigh* My mum is taking an almost insane delight that I'm going to finally experience the tongue-deadening food they generally serve at hostels. Are mothers supposed to be happy when their kids - especially one as valuable and cool as me - suffers? I don't think thats in the Guide to being a Mother book.

I also notice that this post is alot more serious than my previous few. Hmm..I cant write funny stuff today. Please tell me this is at least a bit funny and entertaining. It would really make me happy and I would love you all the more =D. Haha. It would be nice to know some people are reading the whole post and not just the intro and the conclusion like i know some people do - these people will never see this paragraph so (HAH!) I'll know. Mwahaha. [Cue evil laughter]

So basically that's all thats going on really. Apart from the fact that It's finally started to sink in that I'm going to Bangalore, where I probably won't know the airport from the movie theatre.
=[ As in I would be completely lost there without someone else with me. It's quite scary. I'm quite sad too. I really am. In fact I think I'm going to cry on next Friday at the airport. I'm most probably going to break down a few times next week too. I almost did last night when I was playing with Ashwin and Shilpa. I'm going to miss Singapore - as much of an anti-Singaporean Singaporean that I am - I will.

I'll miss NJC. I'll miss 21 Coronation Drive. I'll miss Orchard Road. I'll miss talking Singlish. I dread becoming all Indian Accent-ified. I'll miss all my friends. I'll miss the good food. I'll miss waking up when I want to and sleeping when I want to. I'll miss my bolster. I'll miss this computer and this room. I'll miss my teddy bears. I'll miss my room. Heck I'll even miss the construction noises going on outside my house. I'll miss Disney Channel. I'll miss watching One Tree Hill every wednesday night. I'll miss eating whenever I want and sleeping whenever and wherever I want. I'll miss calling up my friends and talking crap. I'll miss going online all the time. I'll miss all the hot guys hehe. I'll miss my stereo system. I'll miss all my O Level Notes. I'll miss my Cedar Yearbooks and my SCPS ones.

I'll miss fighting with my siblings and making up. I'll miss hugging my parents. I'll miss my daily hug and kiss from my brother. I'll miss talking crap with Shilpa - who's surprisingly talking crap-able. I'll miss the constant nagging from my mum - as absurd as that sounds. I'll miss the nice feeling of warmth and acceptance [the only place I feel I get any] in the house. I'll miss all the smiles, the tears, the laughter, the DISCO DANCING, the family times, the movies, the long talks about nothing at all, EVERYTHING.

I seriously doubt I'm going to come back to Singapore from Bangalore as an unchanged person who's nice to everyone and cheerful most of the time. If I become arrogant, mean, selfish and snobbish, please don't be angry at me and please tell me. Try to remember Aha from NJC or from Cedar or from wherever you've met me. And please stay in touch. [Oh eff I'm tearing already] Please do. I dont know what I would do without my friends. I dont want to say thank you individually as yet - I would probably start crying and so I want to save that for when my parents are out of the house and I'll be undisturbed.

I love all of you guys. *Big FAT hug* I wish I didnt have to go. I'm a real crapped up person right now. I need major therapy. *Kicks self* I'm sorry this post is so ranty and emo. I don't know where it came from. I just logged on, feeling that I needed to blog and all of this just spilled out from my brain. My fingers just typed away without me really realising what I was saying until I stopped myself and scrolled up to read what I'd just written. I fully realize this bad habit I have of keeping everything - every little angsty feeling- that I have firmly locked up inside and portray a cheerful facade to the world. My mum knows without me ever telling her. She says its bad and that I have to learn to speak to people about my feelings. But my mum isn't really good at giving emotional adivce - only academic. It didnt really make an impact on me.

I just cant talk to anyone. If i do or try to I clam up and screw up the convo and make it real awkward. *sigh* Me and my misguided attempts. I should just call woodbridge and ask them if they have a bed there to spare.

random thoughts

Le Random Thoughts

#1: I love my friends. =)

#2: I love my brother. And my sister. And my family. Is it wrong to love my brother more than my sister? I'm going to miss them. I dont know what i would do without my daily hug and kiss from my brother.

#3: I like floppy hair. I really really really do. Oh. and it has to be curly too. It HAS to.

#4: I want to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and then go to Swenson's or Haagen-Daz and eat Chocolate Fondeau. And then i want to go home and dream about bathing in a chocolate waterfall.

#5: I like purple. I like black. I'm thankful that i have hands with which i can write.

#6: I realize im really lucky.

#7: I have a bloody effing headache. Bummer. Shouldnt have watched Hera Pheri again.

#8: I'm $375 richer. =)

#9: My mum is probably going to be angry with me when i go down late for dinner. I couldnt care less about that right now.

#10: I have 3 strands of white hair. On my head.

#11: I've lost weight even though I'm eating alot. Ive been getting headaches everyday. Am i sick? Am i going to fall really really ill?

#12: I want to sleep.

#13: My dad is really irritating sometimes. Especially when he talks nonsense. And does weird stuff.

#14: Im in love with my mp3 player. I like LG. =)

#15: Is everyone going to hate me in India? I hope not.

#16: I think I need therapy.

#17: My mum is effing irritating sometimes. Gahz.

np. dance of envy - dil to pagal hai

got a new layout. but the peas on earth one will forever be my favourite. its bloody cute =) oh well. felt like a change though.

anw.

to all G12 ppl: i love u guys and there will be a huge gaping hole that cannot be filled by anybody but you guys when i leave. im really touched by everything *beamz* and i seriously appreciate the thought and effort put into it. That was really the highlight of my week (not that there's much competition). Thank you so very much.

i'm feeling a bit depressed. actually make that very depressed. even more so than usual. i cant get out of it. someone please reassure me that this is normal. maybe its coz ive been listening to sad hindi songs the whole day. or maybe its coz i didnt sleep the whole of last night coz i had nightmares which i don't remember. wtf. even my memory is dysfunctional.

maybe its coz im feeling woefully inadequate. i cant shake the feeling that i dont have what it takes to do what my parents want me to do with my future. everyday is spent having talks abt this very issue and to tell the truth, even if it was kind of interesting at first, im getting heartily sick of the subject. whenever the subject is mentioned i feel like screaming and running to my room and burying my head under my pillow, holding my breath until i absolutely need to breathe again.

somewhere in the back of my head a tiny little voice tells me that im not good enough, that whatever i do i wont be able to keep up and that now its too late to start something new. i cant shake it. ive tried. i really have. nothing works. it utterly defeats me that my parents expect so much of me and that i probably cant go through with it.

this probably isnt gonna help though, is it. people generally dont like talking about difficult or sensitive stuff. it just isnt done. not in this selfish world where no one cares about anyone but themselves. they might not show it out. but its true. and though its taken me a while to realize this, i have. and i dont like it. i really dont. i just want to go and hide in some corner and be forgotten. is that normal?