random musings

I'm back from TISB again; a little older (18 here I come), a little closer to what may turn out to be impending doom for me and, as hard as it might be for some of you to believe, a little wiser as well. Well, not exactly wiser, but more nostalgic. I think that I'm not quite ready to turn 18. I mean, I constantly hear from others my age that they cannot wait to turn 18 and grow up but somehow, I don't feel the same. I feel like sticking my claws into 17. and maybe walking backwards from there. I find myself envying my siblings - their lack of worry about anything other than themselves is almost fascinating. I keep obsessing about the fact that I'm growing up so fast - I don't want to. It's scary and I don't know what to do. But I guess I have to deal with it.

But why? Why do I have to deal with it? Just because everyone who's facing the same dilemma as I am has dealt with it doesn't mean I have to. I know that in the end I will, because I have to (due to several factors, of which, the most important is my parents), but that knowledge doesn't prevent me from asking why. In fact it is the reason I am asking this question because if I didn't know that I would ultimately deal with reality, I wouldn't be fighting so hard against doing that in the meantime, until I am absolutely forced to do it. Ironic. But so true.

I think that only I will ever truly understand what I have written above. This is so unlike me. You're right Sam, I have changed. I've become more serious, more contemplative, more grown-up. I'm (finally) maturing. I don't want to. What I wouldn't give right now to backtrack a couple of years and return to Secondary 2 or 4, during which I had so much fun. Without this incessant worry about my future education, about growing up, about any of this (crap) stuff that I keep thinking about now.

Ok so I went to eat dinner and now I'm back and my mood is COMPLETELY different. weird. Now I feel normal again. Or as close to normal as I can get with a truckload of Boredom on my head and oozing out of my pockets and shirtsleeves. Imagery! I am becoming literary! I am so obsessed with Hamlet but I'm not as obsessed as those idiots who memorize lines from Plays etc. etc. and start quoting them to every Tom, Dick or Harry. I'm in a state of, what you call, dignified obsession. =D I'm dignifiedly obsessed.

Hamlet is so intriguing. His personality is so multi-faceted - every single time that you think you have got him down pat and understood him from every viewpoint, BAM, he changes again and it's like there's a whole new protagonist in the play. Shakespeare was a Literary Genius; I never comprehended this until I read Hamlet. I did Julius Caeasar last year but that pales in comparison (I hated it btw) to Hamlet. Ooh I love this play; if only I had Mr. Colin as my teacher this year as well, there would have been such wonder =D

Oh I just remembered what my mum was telling me that my dad did day before yesterday (thursday) when he went to buy firecrackers from a nearby store. Okay, before I recite what happened, one piece of info that is necessary for anything that follows this to make sense: My dad doesn't know an ounce of hindi except for "Karo" - which means do - and "Ja" - which means go. It's really funny when he tries to talk in hindi and gets confused with tamil and english and then makes a sentence in all three [for instance: We'll get into the vundi and school karo, which translates in my dad's language as We'll get into the car and go to school. haha!].

Ok anyway so apparently he goes to this shop and he's second in line after this other customer. So the guy behind the counter gives him a list of all the firecrackers available in the shop and asks him to select what he wanted by ticking against the item(s). My dad was perfectly fine with this and whipped out a pen, ready to use some ink(!), until he realized that the list of items was entirely in HINDI. haha! Even the numbers were in hindi -- every single written figure on the list was in hindi and, as a result, my dad was completely lost. He tried telling the guy behind the counter that he did not understand hindi, but either the guy didn't understand or wasn't listening, my dad couldn't manage to get his point across to him.

So....my dad randomly ticked stuff! He said he ticked every other item!!! haha. damn funny. and then he gave the list to the guy behind the counter (there were like 30 items and my dad had ticked around 10 or so when he had gone there to buy just 5). Then my dad cleverly waited for the guy to start bringing the stuff to the counter and then rejected whatever he didn't want after seeing whatever he had ticked. Also, he randomly pointed apparently. My brother found it hilarious (my brother had gone with him to the shop). HAHA! damn funny.

Sometimes, it is instances like these that make me realize that my family is a fun, happening bunch of people. Seriously. I mean, I was starting to think my dad was a grim, unyielding workaholic due to our several arguments concerning university and dual degrees during my last visit to bombay (dusherra break). And then he goes and does this and it's just so funny -- I was in splits. All of my family members have such colourful personalities it's quite difficult to feel bored when I'm around them. Unless, of course, if I'm in a I'll-be-bored-no-matter-what-you-do mood or if I'm with one of them when they're in a I'm-going-to-be-boring-now mood. But otherwise they're just so fun.

This fact is precisely what is keeping me sane here in Bombay. I am so bored here because I have like no accessible friends -- just one, and she's like half an hour away if I'm lucky and there's no traffic. Plus, Bombay is her home-town and she's got a social network here. I don't. So most of the time, I'm just stuck in the house, staring at the computer screen, my eyes all glazed and my head hurting from constant exposure to the screen. My idea of fun?? I don't think so. It's almost enough to make me wish I'm back in Bangalore. Almost, but not quite. I'd rather spend 10 years cooped up inside this Bombay house than go back to my school in Bangalore when I don't need to.

Complex emotions, Check. All of them negative, Check. Shit. That kind of sucks.

Blearghhhh.